Double Down (2005)
Directed by: Neil Breen
Starring: Neil Breen, Laura Hale, Mike Brady, Robert Di Francesco, Bonnie Carmalt, George Kerr, Maynard Mahler, Ruth Mahler, Marry Taylor, Alan Rogers, Huel Washington, Bill Frid
Don’t push it or I’ll give you a film you won’t believe.
Among stock footage of clouds, the title card “Double Down” comes up, then the name “Neil Breen” and then a few moments later “Produced, Written, & Directed by Neil Breen.” That’s it – no other references to the rest of the (limited) cast and crew, communicating to us that this is a vanity project – real estate agent-turned-actor/director Neil Breen’s baby all the way. Lengthy shots of the American southwest evoke a Manos/Birdemic vibe, and then we meet Neil Breen himself, playing “Aaron Brand”, a super secret agent with big time hacking skills (first in his class in college in computer science, fighter pilot with lots of medals, the top agent of the “Defense Intelligent Agency”, able to control any government computer or satellite from a laptop and some cell phones in the desert). When he is recounting his life story through voice-over (pretty much the entire length of the film), you could swear he was reading his resume. But the government assassinated his fiancée and so now he works as a terrorist. What a guy! Folks, watching Double Down, I was truly floored. I had seen some trailers for Breen’s “movies” but nothing prepared me for what I was to experience. After I watched it I learned an important lesson – never say out loud that a particular film is the worst movie ever made. Something else will soon surface that will make you eat those words.
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) talks about it to his boss Asawa (the immortal James Hong). But Asawa laments “This is the 1990s .. we’re businessmen. We compete through corporate acquisitions!” However, Paré’s character already has put plans in motion for a modern day “Dragonfight” and Hong gets a chuckle out of it, finally giving the plan a greenlight. Cut to a bar where a mullet-wearing “Falchion” (Paul Coufos) is sulking over drinks before being drawn into a fight with some pumped up asshole (played by Canadian strongman Tom Magee). Paré’s shady businessman sets it up by having his bartender/girlfriend drop drugs into Magee’s drink. The drugs….well, I have no idea what they were intended to do. The movie kinda forgets about that little plot point. Anyway, Falchion is victorious in the back alley fight (actually, the other guy gets accidentally stabbed in the back by his idiot friend), so he’s recruited for Dragonfight. Similarly, some dirtbag named Lochaber (played by Robert Z’Dar … and his chin) beats up his own group of thugs and is brought in as well. So these two guys are dropped into the Arizona desert to battle one another, and a couple of major corporations have bet hundreds of millions of dollars on the fight. Now, if you’re wondering why mega-corporations would bet all this dough on something so illegal, well, let Mr. Jericho (played by George “Buck” Flower) narrate it for you in his throaty hillbilly voice: